


What now?

by VictorianLesbian



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 05:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1214035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VictorianLesbian/pseuds/VictorianLesbian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since their return to Paternoster Row Vastra had stopped talking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What now?

Since their return to Paternoster Row Vastra had stopped talking. It worried Jenny to see her wife reduced to such a state and didn't understand why. They had returned safe and sound with the Doctor's TARDIS, as he had ordered, and since then the Silurian had closed herself off in the most absolute silence, focused solely on her thoughts.  
Only in the quiet of their home, Jenny had the courage to speak to her.  
«Darling?» She tried to distract her from her dark thoughts, lovingly caressing Vastra’s shoulder while she sat on her favorite wicker chair inside the greenhouse.  
Vastra looked at her for just a moment, clear eyes full of guilt.  
The streets noise as they began to fill with carriages at sunrise, people's voices and the barking of dogs, gave Vastra an excuse to get away from her wife.  
«Vastra what happens?» Jenny's worried tone hit her like a stab wound. She did not deserve all that love. Not after what she had done.  
She was immensely ashamed. She closed her eyes as the human lovingly put her cheek against the silurian's back. She opened her mouth a few times in an attempt to say something, not knowing where to start, only when the girl began to stroke her belly lovingly she felt encouraged to express her thoughts.  
«I do not deserve it.» She said solemnly, stopping Jenny 's light caress as the girl took on a puzzled expression. The Silurian had to be really upset.  
«Silly, what are you saying?» Scolded the girl positioning herself in front of Vastra whom, however, had not the courage to look her in the eyes.  
«It was all my fault.» The Silurian admitted.  
«It's not anyone's fault.» Tried to reassure Jenny, gently stroking her ridges, knowing how much that gesture would help Vastra to calm down.  
«No. I was a fool.» Growled in frustration the reptile moving away from the hands that were cuddling her.  
«We all make mistakes.» Tried to comfort the girl with no success.  
«Not this time. It was not supposed to happen! It was my fault you died... twice!» Anger and pain poured out of her mouth all at once. Jenny was sure that had she been able to, the Silurian would have collapsed in tears.  
«But now I'm here.» Pointed out the girl, grabbing Vastra's hand and bringing it to her cheek to prove her point. «We're here.» She added in a whisper, burying her face in the hand of the woman she loved, kissing her palm only to let herself be softly caressed.  
«I fell so easily into such a trivial trap. How can I be called the Great Detective if a scum like that can lead me to put everyone in danger?» The look of reproach and the harsh disappointment in her voice would have made everyone scatter at Vastra's presence, everyone but Jenny.  
Jenny, who was always there when Vastra needed it, who had never left her, who had given her life twice that night, was confident in the woman she loved. She just hugged her because she knew that was the only thing her wife needed at that time. There would be no words of comfort, only the knowledge she would never leave her.  
«What would I have done if you had not come back?» A little more than a whisper in the girl's ear. The hot reptile breath made her shiver and she clung with greater force to the body of her beloved.  
«I'm here.» Jenny reminded her with trembling voice while the Silurian laid a soft kiss on her hair.  
«I was so scared. I was so alone, again.» Vastra, clenching the girl, confessed to her, not wanting to ever again feel that distance between them. It was even more important than oxygen itself and even though Jenny desperately needed to draw breath she didn't have the heart to pull away from the Silurian.  
A perfect warrior trained to kill humans from the dawn of time, now so fragile and full of love for that ape that had become so indispensable to her.  
They sat in silence just basking in each other's presence while life resumed flowing normally for the rest of the world out of their house. What they had experienced in the last hour seemed impossible while the minutes were advancing inexorably, making Trenzalore so terribly real and not just a bad dream for all of them.  
«How could I? How could I?» Repeated Vastra like a mantra.  
«Shh.» Jenny tried to calm her gently, placing two fingers on her lips.  
The Silurian was still thinking about the Doctor and Clara, trapped because of her incompetence. She thought of Jenny's death, how she had not wanted to listen to her. Every moment was vivid in her memory, making her suffer immensely for her sins. If only she had not trusted, if only she had not convened the conference putting them all in danger.  
«You cannot blame yourself.» Jenny tried to shake her, grabbing her by the shoulders and staring intensely into her eyes. Vastra tried to avoid her eyes, she could not help but think she would have to atone for her sins for the rest of her life.  
«Come on. You need to rest.» Ordered gently the girl, grabbing her hand and dragging her unhurriedly toward their room.  
Jenny made her sit on the bed and gently took her clothes off only to lie down next to her once she was stripped down to her underwear. She climbed the Silurian's body, resting her head on her shoulder as she hugged her gently.  
While Jenny was resting, Vastra wasn't able to shut her brain off. She kept looking at her wife's resting face and she couldn't bring herself to close her eyes in fear that she would vanish again.  
She touched the girl’s profile; her forehead, her nose, her lips, and an uncontrollable impulse made her shake the small body slumbering against hers.  
Jenny mumbled something while she struggled with her tired body that was pulling her back into sleep ignoring the urgency of Vastra's need.  
«Do you think they will be fine?» Asked the Silurian, suddenly remembering the Doctor and Clara.  
«I hope so.» Jenny muttered. «Can't you sleep?» She asked Vastra who did not seem satisfied with her answer.  
«I'm sorry, my dear.» The reptile woman said in a pleading tone, feeling foolish for having woken Jenny up just to hear her voice again.  
«It's all right.» Lied the girl, clutching that which had initially been just her mistress but that was now her reason to live, only to fall asleep again tried by the last hours.  
Jenny 's rhythmic breathing constantly reminded Vastra that she was alive, even if it wouldn't be easy to get back to the life they had had before as if Trenzalore had never happened.  
Vastra felt old and tired, all her years weighted on her shoulders like a suddenly unbearable burden. In her youth she never would have been caught off guard, would never have fallen in a trap, and, most importantly, she never would have dragged the woman she loved, her friends into danger. Was she really getting old? What if one day she was no longer able to fight criminals?  
Human weapons and technology were starting to catch up to her and she was a lonely Silurian armed with just a katana. How long could she be able to best them? What if one day she wasn’t able to get back to her wife? What would Jenny do?  
Her own questions scared her. She turned her head to look at her, she dropped a kiss on the crown of her head and caressed her cheek.  
She sighed and for the rest of the night simply kept on watching Jenny sleep, unable to quell her own demons.

**Author's Note:**

> written by: VictorianLesbian  
> translated by: Spooky85


End file.
